Living Within Samsara

Alcoholism & Codependency: My Roots of Recovery

First, Sobriety

I did not get sober when I originally went to A.A. in 1994. Mom had a hard time believing I was an alcoholic, even after rehab at 15. But I think she couldn’t think she had raised a defective girl. So when I proclaimed my A.A. member status that Christmas, she pushed wine on me and I drank it. I was in pain over some plans that fell through and she thought the wine would help. It helped. I stayed drunk again for 3 years, again asked god for relief, and again god provided relief. I “ran away” from home at the age of 26 and stayed away from mother. I stayed sober that year until we reunited whereupon I got and stayed drunk for another 5 years, all the while hitting new lows and bottoms.

The last time I quit drinking after again asking god for relief, I ended up through a series of crazy [some may say coincidental] events, at the same A.A. group I originally went to in college. Mom encouraged me to drink again after discovering I was in A.A. and sober for 30 days still wanting me to not be an alcoholic I think today? so I stayed drunk for as long as I’d been not drinking that time. Long story short I got sober January 04, 2003 and haven’t had a drink since. I attribute staying happily sober to Al-Anon.

The best thing A.A. ever did for me was lead me to Al-Anon

Trying to Fix Other People

At the heart of my alcoholism, besides learning that I am chemically different than non-alcoholics, lies the problem of me. If I know I am chemically different, which I knew and know, after a short time in “the program,” why would my first instinct or need be to drink when I feel pain? To numb it or kill it because who wants to feel it. But why would I feel pain so often? Because I was codependent.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that alcohol is only a symptom and I agree. This translates into alcohol, in and of itself, is not the problem.

You know when you get a fever? You won’t die of a fever of 100* but it does indicate something else is going on. Why would I repeatedly hurt myself with hangovers and hiding my alcohol at the end and no interest in relationships if I knew it hurt me? If I knew that the first drink I had would lead me into this, why did I pick up the first drink? Because I did not having coping skills and I lacked resources to not pick up the first drink. A.A. helped with that. It led me to the resources that enabled me to stay away from the first drink, so when my sponsor told me she would like to see me in Al-Anon after my first year of sobriety, that thought alone would keep me sober sometimes. At that time I was involved in relationships with people who blamed me, yelled at me and they worsened when I quit being numb [drunk]. I grew cognition and it seems these dis-eased relationships grew worse. At least, that’s how I saw it.

I spent too much time in trying to help other people ‘get better’ [from his/her own issues] while, though sober, incapable of dealing with mine. I got to Al-Anon and worked THOSE steps. But because most of the people who tried controlling me or who were hurting me weren’t alcoholic I found it lacking in a lot of areas until I heard the word “Codependency.”

Codependency

Let me describe ways in which my codependency manifested from a young age into adult onset, understanding that until recovery I thought how I operated was normal. I thought all people just *did it better than I did* and is why everyone else (my peers) seemed happy and put together.

Primarily I suffered from intensely low self-esteem. I thought I was only as valuable as the value others placed upon me. Getting mad at me was an indication I was not worthy. My own ideas, if disputed, meant I was stupid. If you were in a bad mood it was my fault. If I got straight A’s I was allowed to breathe oxygen and speaking of breathing oxygen, I had no personal space. I said “Sorry” if I breathed wrong, made a mistake in judgement, was unskillful in something, or whatever. And when I said “Sorry” that really meant, “I am so sorry I am alive. Please forgive me for taking up the air you need.”

I waffled and waned, trying to make something work. When I could not alleviate my suffering through being truthfully codependent ~ and that means “standing in my truth and behaving as the codependent I really was” I would adopt a facade. I used alcohol ~ when drinking ~ for courage and to *pretend* as if I knew what was going on. Common phrases friends could hear from me at any given time, “I’m so hot I can’t stand myself.” or “Yeah well she’s ugly and fat.” Today I know we reach for any resource we can find when the pain becomes unbearable and I reached for the fact I was attractive. I clung to it during these times of intense suffering.

Equally I would also cling to fighting. My facade and ego had, at one point, gotten so built up that if I could just let everyone know I was not to be messed with, the threat of my wrath would be enough for people to leave me alone. Innocently I had gotten into fighting with the girls at my new school because of my intensely shy nature and being different or exotic; coming from a new place, the boys were interested and the girls were irritated. Having no skills to know I was worthy of protecting myself I would say nothing during the taunting. (Remember, I’m codependent and feel worthless to begin with and now then - this.) After my second fight and not losing, neither in either case did I want it or start it, I began to understand that these ”sorts of people” could understand nothing else. [Later in discovering I was HSP, I would discover “these sorts of people” to be the almost polar opposite of who I was.] So, it started. Ego, facade, and defenses up.

Taken from EmotionHealthOnline

Codependency is a pattern of behavior in which people place the needs of others before their own. As a result, codependent people may have difficulty forming healthy and balanced relationships. Instead, they tend to get close to other people who have addictions or mental health problems that the codependent person tries to ignore or avoid.

Codependency was first described as a pattern among partners or family members of people with alcohol and drug problems. Since then, the term ‘codependent’ has been adapted to many situations.

In most cases, people engage in codependent behavior as the result of a lack of self-esteem. Codependent people often look for something outside themselves that makes them feel better. Dysfunctional families, in which misbehavior or abuse is accepted as normal, are a major source of codependent behavior.

Codependent people fall easily into a caretaker role. They often view themselves as ‘martyrs’ and thrive on the sense of being needed. In addition, they may not acknowledge that a problem (such as a partner’s alcoholism) exists. Over time, the sense of caring can become compulsive and emotionally draining, leaving the codependent person feeling angry and unappreciated.

People involved in codependent behavior tend to avoid confronting difficult emotions. They feel disconnected from their own needs and desires, struggle with their feelings and have difficulty trusting others. The emotional toll of codependency often leads patients to try to escape through drug and alcohol abuse. Others may develop compulsive behaviors such as gambling or risky sex.

After coming to terms with my alcoholism those many years later I was able to more clearly see some characteristics in myself and how or why they were triggered. I was able to see that all these years I simply hadn’t had the tools to deal with life’s problems. I still don’t have all of the tools and I imagine that I never will. Because if I did, I would be perfect and would not need people or god.

But today I do have resources. Today I am better equipped to deal with situations that used to baffle me. Today I will not ignore a confrontational stance. Today I will not accept abuse comfortably if at all. Today I will not allow someone to push all the buttons I have, having me believe I am worthless and not worthy of self-care. I will refuse the act of passive-aggressive. I have some other ideals I work toward on a daily basis but have yet to get fully recovered but hopefully tomorrow I’ll be closer to some of those ideals.

Every day is a day I have to practice the opposite of what Codependent behavior would have me do. I do this by reading, studying, and implementing the twelve steps as well as reading Codependent recovery books particularly by Melody Beattie. It would be nice for you to like me. I am sure I’d appreciate it. But, for me to like myself has to take a priority over what you think or expect from me. It has to. It’s not a luxury. When I don’t put myself first I’m creating fertile ground for destructive behaviors.

 

Codependency II

Added August 24, 2006

No. This is not the ‘Graduating into Phase II’ of Codependency but the more will be revealed section of Codependency. This is where I am going to relay my feeling that Codependency - with a capital C - is the most insidious, insane, and spreadable mind disease I believe we have. I believe that from it’s practice all sorts of diseases are born and thrive. Because of this, I see it everywhere.

From my spiritual books that I read and practice, I see they are trying to get those doing the seeking to cast off what other people may do or say. From my A.A. meetings I see people speaking on and struggling with their relationships, often going back to get drunk over their ultimate powerlessness over their inability to claim personal autonomy. I see women, recovered from bulimia for years, eventually getting back to it when they become enmeshed back into relationships they can’t seem to manage well enough to assert their boundaries. I see my friends and relatives turning to alcohol and drugs for whatever reason they may arrive at, but I notice it when their relationships fall apart or are incapable of being managed well.

So what’s the solution?

I have talked about it before and I have even offered *my solution* on this page already but in case I wasn’t clear as I was speaking on my autobiography, let me be perfectly clear on the matter. And perhaps my already offered solution wasn?t really the solution but a means in which to attain the Solution. There IS a Solution - with a capital S - and now I’m going to state it.

Self Love, Self Care, Selfishness with Self, Self

[Article: It’s All About Me! I am the Most Important Person!]

No. No. No. Not the “self love” in the New Age books and the hokey pokey images that put in my mind of Hari Krishnas and flowers at airports. Not that and definitely not Ku-mba-freaking-yah. No. The real kind. Like, if you’re a mother and you love your child? You love yourself more. “I can’t believe she just said that!”Well, yeah. It doesn’t make sense you’d sacrifice and work so hard for a child if you loved yourself first and more right? Have you asked yourself why this doesn’t make sense? It makes perfect sense to me.

The problem is we’re taught that to love ourselves first and most is a bad thing. As a result we have socially learned viruses being spread like a fire in dry brush. So. We sacrifice until it hurts, we stay in abusive relationships, we give money until we’re broke, and we’re taught a really neat word along the way in order to keep us doing these insane behaviors that keep us in pain and that word is selflessness. Who doesn’t like to be thought of selfless and giving? Of course we do and why is this? Cause nobody has questioned the agreement.

Even the Strong can be Codependent

I am here to tell you I have questioned that agreement and I disagree. I don’t want to be thought of selfless and giving. I remember relating so well to Scarlett O’Hara when she wanted to be like her mother, selfless and giving. But this is because she was naturally and some people are! Scarlett wasn’t. It wasn’t her nature. She knew that being selfish wasn’t ideal either, but because of her strength inside, Scarlett did rebuild Tara; She killed a man defending her home and person. She even married her sister’s beau in order they not go broke and starve. Lesson: We all have our gifts. And that is the primary message of recovering from Codependency: To be the best possible us we can be; autonomous, sentient, with our own voice, mistakes, history, truth, and self.

Codependency is a lie because it aggravates our natural gifts and turns them into painful liabilities. Going with the movie Gone with the Wind, Scarlett used to sit around and drink her mint juleps I imagine and flirt with the boys. She was a playful minx wasn’t she? Her crush on Ashley and then the war. She clung to the dream of Ashley although he was, in reality, with Melanie. Scarlett ruined herself and was sad a great part of her life that eventually cost her some things until it was too late right? Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Our dear Scarlett was Codependent. She took care of Melanie when she didn?t want to. She made a play for Ashley disregarding Melanie and her own marriage. And I think she wanted to be like her mother because her mother was like Melanie. I think Scarlett thought that if she were more like Melanie, that Ashley would love her.

Codependents have a Hard Time Seeing the Reality and Truths of Other People Because they Have a Hard Time Seeing or Acknowledging their own Reality and Truth

What Scarlett never realized, because the way she wanted him to love her was not the way he could love her, is that he did love her. He even said so! He loved her strength, her spirit, her vibrancy for life! But because it wasn?t the way Scarlett thought she wanted it, Scarlett suffered for years didn’t she? And this is the way Codependency robs us of our life. It fools us into believing that if we can just change this about ourselves or that about ourselves - even if we could or would - that we would have what we wanted and we would finally. Finally! Finally be happy.

If I could look like Barbie, I would be happy. If I could be more compassionate I would have more friends. If I don’t talk a lot people will like me. If I lose 20 more pounds my life would be good. If I pretend to like coffee, he’ll love me. [On a personal note, I knew a woman who pretended to like coffee so a recovering alcoholic would go have coffee with her.] These conditions for happiness, peace, or serenity or whatever we think we’re looking for are like a hamster wheel. “Run, Forrest! Run!”

We have everything in the world in order to be happy right now - it resides inside of you and it resides in me. We’ve just been clouded; We can’t see our truth because we?ve lived in lies for so long it’s becomes the point from where we operate. How did we get to these lies and how do we stop operating from them? The first question is easy. We got them from whichever socializing units operated from them themselves. And those units learned it from their units and so forth - so it’ s not about blaming or shaming. It’ s about stopping the cycle now. And you can.

Right now. Ask yourself if you agree with this. Getting rid of the thoughts in your head, check in with your feelings and see if this feels right. If you’re feeling as if you’ve just stumbled onto something amazing and life-changing? Good. It is. You will not believe the journey - it’s a trip! There have been several paths I have used in order to discover my freedom - and it is freedom - from Codependency, the mitote, worldly lies, suffering.

Several Paths Leading to One Solution of Truth

Much how I believe many paths can lead to God, I also believe many paths can lead to truth - which in my philosophy and worldview is another version of God. That self inside of you? That divine spark. That’s God. I believe that’s God and I am okay if you choose to not believe that. That you who gets angry when you see an injustice occur? Your authenticity. That you who gets jealous? Your integrity. The you who loves the sunset? Same. The one who gets mad for no clear reason? Still you. [And yes, dear heart, there is a reason even if you don’t have the language to convey it.]

We feel from our integrity, our spark of divinity. God. Our voice of knowledge is what tries to make the sense of it. And unfortunately, that voice is colored and jaded. It’ll tell you, “You shouldn?t be angry. Nice girls don’t get angry.” So you listen - or so you think - and you really think you?re no longer angry or you never were or you’re not. Later that night as you’re reaching for the 5th glass of wine [5th line of some drug, 5th piece of pie…] you’re remembering or refeeling something so deep down and maybe you can’t recognize it, but you certainly feel “off” and that same voice is now telling you “You deserve this. Have another glass.” So when you wake up not remembering the night before and hungover here goes your voice again: “You are such a piece of crap! I can’t believe you did that.” See how your voice of knowledge abuses?

I felt angry one day and someone asked me what was wrong. I got mad. I got mad in that moment and recognized why. I recognized it was because I did not know and I felt like I was expected to know. I learned that day that I don’t need to have the words. Because I am still a new baby on my path I can be okay not knowing and the truth is even closer than I may think. My voice of knowledge - I used to call it my mother voice, and I have friends who lovingly call it “Satan” - tells a story and tries to make sense of my experiences and before any sort of recovery from the worldly domination in my life I realized that the story it told was one of justification. It tries even today to justify and so I looked at that agreement one day and I decided to disagree.

I decided my truth doesn’t need a justification. The truth stands on its own merit. It just is. What does need constant justifications are lies. Lies are only real insofar as the people who are believing them because without the belief in the lie it will fail. Every. Time. The earth used to be flat and the sun used to rotate around the earth remember? Because people believed this story, it was the only thing keeping it working. So you see? Right there is a working example that an entire world can believe a lie to such a degree that it smacks in the face of truth even after evidence?- some dude was jailed for heresy regarding the whole sun discovery thing.

Codependency, I believe, is a world problem. It’s spread so easily, it seems, from person to person. We have these expectations of people and we seem to train them to be their most unauthentic self. Then the person dutifully trained spreads her virus into her world and so it goes. It manifests so many ways and words like “blame” and “shame” and “should” are some of the hallmarks of its presence. Going deeper than just recovering from a particularly sick relationship we may happen to have in our life I believe it?s discovering our authenticity to the fullest extent possible in every day matters. It’s deciding whether I want to agree with a former agreement I may have had. It’s deciding to not necessarily believe my voice of knowledge when it’s abusing me, and by extension not believing anyone else’s.

Article: What is Codependency?

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Recovering from Codependency

You can recover! It is possible! Have faith! Love yourself more!