Living Within Samsara

There’s a reason I don’t deal in Western Medicine unless I am of strong feeling I’m dying. Monday was one such day and since that day has passed let me relive it…Had an appointment at 11:00am since I’d been sick through the weekend. My friend Tracey would be leaving her work to take me to the doctor. I have such gratitude for my friends and that she would do this for me meant so much alleviation of stress and she’s such a soothing spirit in my life to begin with… So off we go and she entertained me with things going on in her life since I knew it’d be a matter of time before I started to fever and fade.She comes back with me to the doctor room. Of course I would have no fever right now. Mornings are not usually that bad and I’d just taken ibuprofin. The doctor who saw me said she’d give me until the 3rd to be off work and that if my fever got to 102* to come back in. She drew blood, told me to quit with fever reducers and sent me home.

I was appalled. I’d tried explaining…I even interrupted. I questioned. I complained. I told her 102* was AVERAGE for my day and that if I had no fever reducers I’d be back to feverish in less than three hours. Doctor explained that the body fights the bacteria when the fever is there but I looked at Tracey in questioning “WTF?” when the doctor had just said it was probably viral. I left angry and felt dismissed almost as if she had expected my sole purpose for being there was to get an excuse for work.

Must have been around 2:00 when my fever was 103.6* that the love of my life “C” called back to the doctors. He doesn’t understand it probably, but from my point of view, he was a bulldog. He told them, “She tried telling you while she was there that this would happen and at this point she doesn’t feel well enough to come back in.” Naturally I’m paraphrasing but watching my boyfriend in action when he goes into bulldog mode is indeed an art in progress. He takes no crap and I was too weak to do anything so I was so grateful to him. He is so much my Alpha. One or two calls later back and forth I’m going to the doctor AGAIN.

Enter Pam… another very dear friend who’s always out helping me right when I need it in the nick of time. “C” has to get back to work and Pam comes to get me to take me back to the doctor. This time they draw a “Blood Culture” and while I’m there a different doctor will see me. Thank God.

This Dr., Dr. Miller, explained to me that it was good I came in because EBV was NOT the culprit necessarily and definitely couldn’t be making me as sick as I’ve been. She was the first doctor who made the connection between my painful back/side/lower left abdomen with my fever. She gave me a pelvic, a shot in the butt [subsequently], and prescribed 2 antibiotics. She drew MORE blood…this time for Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E, F, G and all the way to Z I suppose, along with HIV, Syphilis, and every other unmentionable we still stigmatize in society. *[The HIV test always throws me into great fear.]

This Doctor spent time with me, looking over my chart, asking questions, answering my questions and she was kind and no nonsense and gentle. She didn’t want me going back to work until Friday but that would be if the treatment for whatever is wrong with me took. I guess my three different kinds of bloodwork [CBC, Culture, and Communicable Diseases] would offer more information. I have an appointment for Thursday at 11:00 with this same Doctor and I am grateful.

HIV Test: I am very nervous as to how this could turn out. I’ve been on the internet looking for statistics that clearly will point to the remoteness of my having it. It’s always an understood, when I go for a checkup that when I say “Scan for everything” that I mean *it* also but never having the courage to say it outright when I hear “Everything’s normal” I always assume the language to be “HIV also.” So far, I’ve relived every sexual experience I’ve ever had and I know this is normal but how many “I wish I hadn’t” I have said silently. Then I go into blaming my low self-esteem as a wild child growing up… Then I snap back to today and say “What is, already is.” It’s scary. It’s very scary.