No one made me repeatedly go to a group I didn’t what to go to. At other other groups I liked, I learned to tune out certain people. In fact, a friend of mine and I would step out for a break whenever certain people shared. To expect a group of people who managed to totally screw up their lives to behave properly all of a sudden is unrealistic. I eventually learned to base my expectations upon reality instead of how I wanted the world to be.

Turning your back on any fellowship is short-sighted and serves only to sell yourself short. I too became suicidal after I got sober. I sought help outside the rooms of AA. AA doesn’t claim to have the answer to everything. It did teach me to go to doctors when I had a medical problem. It also taught me how to learn how to have relationships. It also taught me a lot about relationship dynamics. It taught me I’m a really nice, loving guy. It also taught me I’m an asshole. By accepting all parts of me, I’ve become better able to accept all parts of other people.

A lot of people talk the talk but fail to walk the walk. In my 23 years of sobriety, I see more good in AA than bad. I know some truly exceptional people who I strive to emulate. I’ve also learned the most valuable lesson; don’t take myself too seriously. Actually, that’s the second most important lesson. The real most important lesson is that I have several people up in my head, and they are not all my friends.

Rainbo - Hallelujah! You recieved my points well and I appreciate that. It took a while for me to understand precisely how to identify *why* some groups and/or meetings were not good for my recovery…so it was with so much gratitude that I was able to see it’s because we have the Traditions for a reason! So yes, namaste, for allowing me to see through your eyes that apparently I made the points cogent.

Chipper - Thank you so much for bringing up that anger is just an emotion. But, like any other emotion it *can* rule our existence…”become” us so to speak. I love that you used the phrase “to sit with it.” Sometimes it helps me to write it all out - line by line if necessary. often I can find an identifying theme or even a root. And when I find that root, I look to the 12 steps to get back to my solution…Almost like a 4th step but if I’m in whirling derbish mode, yeah just freestyle writing or line by line of every seemingly nonsensical thing can often lead me to truth. Thank God for sobriety today…. I am so grateful for the tools of the 12 steps and how ANY area of my life can be solved by applying them.

Thank you both for sharing here and with me your experience, strength and hope.

Good things!

Do not think it is lost on me that a newcomer to A.A. may show up here. :) It is my sincere hope that they can see *past* the egos and the sick people and/or even the sick meetings and discover that A.A. *is* the divinely inspired gift of which we are all responsible.

That, perhaps, if a meeting is “sick” and the newcomer has not yet developed her voice, that perhaps she will continue driving or seeking until she DOES find that one meeting or that one person who will help change her life. You know? That one person or one meeting who will click those gears and begin her process to everlasting sobriety and spiritual sustenance and growth which = happiness.

I want - particularly - for the people [who were or are as sick as I used to be] to NOT give UP. That there IS a miracle to be had in A.A. even if the miracles was *not* at yesterday’s meeting at 5:30 for example.

I want the newcomer to appreciate and understand that no, not all people are truly tristing God, cleaning house, or helping others and that yes, some people are there for less than honorable reasons….that THIS is when she MUST rely on her intuitive voice to separate the wheat from the chaffe; as mine did for me when it turns out I managed to get sober despite having a homegroup where [I would say] had 50 people a meeting and 85% of them taking pharmaceuticals or on the pot maintenance program.

If God could help me navigate THAT and yet help me get my sponsor and manage to get me to MOSTLY healthy meetings - in which Traditions went observed…If I could get and stay sober under those conditions in tandem with a spouse who despised A.A. for doing what he could not…Then I NEED to stress that anyone can do it.

This is what I hope to share ultimately and thank you so much Derral for blessing this article with your bright spirit Derral - your spirit is so bright it is simply RADIANT and generous!! I LOVE that. You must be HSP also!!

I look forward to seeing more of your comments and when I finally move everything over to livingsamsara.com I TRULY hope to be able to keep up with your comments more easily. [This version of my platform is old and clunky and I need an upgrade anyway!]

Lynette - A.A. brings people together doesn’t it? Wow. Wouldn’t that be something? I hope she subscribed to comments and can read your post so she can answer! :-)

“My husband is a fellow recovering alkie and he gets pissed that I don’t go to AA any more, but he is also a big asshole most of the time and I am trying to figure a way out of the relationship. I see myself being a victim,”

Oh Gail! My hats off to you no doubt about that. You know precisely where you want to go as you honestly take inventory and try to figure it is how you’re supposed to get there. You then go on to HONESTLY throw out that YES, you are seeing yourself as a victim! AWESOME!

Listen. I believe 100% we have to acknowledge our victim status before we can rise above it. There is a reason you’re a *victim* right now. What tool or tools haven’t you learned yet? Are you scared of something? Is your EGO trying to keep you there - in bondage? Or hell…how about your alcoholism or codependency…are they whispering that he not “make it” without you or for all his faults at least he loves you? Or is it the common one? You have no money and/or you cannot support yourself? [Honey, that is what alimony is for. :)]

Tsk. Tsk. Damn it! I see a wonderful woman…indeed, a miraculous work in progress and I sense her suffocation. But yet I also see a beam of bright white light coming through. That bright white light, Gail, is all you need.

Trust God. Clean House. Work with others [Reach out].

I DO believe all the rest works in time.

PS. After getting sober I DID figure a way out of my relationship. It was painful as hell and no easy button. [Back when the Staple’s “Easy Button” was popular on the commercials?] There was only one “easier, softer way” and that was through it and sober. Agggh. The pain. But that was me. And MINE wasn’t an asshole. But I made it. My partner, too, did the same thing. He didn’t feel as pained as I did…but she did it. [And she, too, was not an asshole.]

I guess what I am saying is that it could be worse. Your husband could be a kind man. =)

I’m going to pray that you gain the wisdom and courage you need to continue evolving to the place you want to be Gail. Would you do the same for me?

Samsara