Living Within Samsara

This article is the Prequel to Stop and Feel the Fear. Illness in 2005/2006 was the largest clue my life was off-center and the main large-chunked component finally leading me to eventual Salvation - for lack of a better word. I hope you enjoy it. [For great fun and a trip down memory lane…here are the posts [not large enough to be an article] I blogged, as I was sick and visiting doctors, written in the beginning of August 2005 before I thought it had to do with Universe Hints I was askance: The Ugliness of Epstein Barr , Doctors , The Scary HIV Test.]

May 23, 2005 would be the first day I would start working in a career type atmosphere. Actually, this day was orientation. And since I was also in the middle of a divorce in quite possibly the fastest marriage in history of a non-Hollywood Couple, I was excited on my new journey. Very excited. I had emotions over our separation and as I’ve indicated in other articles, I would grieve my animals and the loss of the relationship I had with this man I’d known intimately with for 7 years. We’d raised Naji and Molly together…had babies, suffered losses. The stuff that forms the good stuff in relationships - I was grieving this silently as I embarked on my new life’s journey.

In orientation of the new batch of us who would later call this place our employer, I was in tears before the day was over, trying hard not to let this woman see the tear drip from my cheek as it landed on my brand new peach blouse leaving a wet mark. I’m a woman in my thirties and it wasn’t her business to know my personal life so when she asked in front of everyone, “Are you having trouble?” I said I was. What she didn’t know was that not only was it hard for me to write my “maiden-married” name on the papers, but that it would be the first time I ever would as well as the last. That wasn’t what made me drop tears. What made me drop tears was when she came over and snatched the paper I was working on from me and, in true treating me like a moron fashion, with deliberate motion, found the page “everyone else” was on and exaggeratedly put it in front of me as if to say “O.k.a.y. S.l.o.w. P.e.r.s.o.n.” The already welling tears had found their excuse and I remember forcing them to not drip. But the rim can only hold so many and there one went.

I should have taken this first day as a sign. But I didn’t. I had to pull in the forces and practice everything I’d learned up until that 23rd day of May 2005. I’d asked a new friend in class if she was coming back the next day and she said “Yes, aren’t you?” I told her how Connie had made me feel and really wanted to check out my perception with my friend with some follow up questions but before I could she went right into it. She couldn’t believe how Connie had humiliated me she said. She was quick to say that Connie must be a sad woman to do that to someone. This other girl and I were fast friends, especially given that she had validated my perception as what she, too, had seen. With my new ally in my heart, as well as the pep talk that this woman was only Human Resources and that I’d probably not have to see her again, I gave it a try and went back.

4 Days Later Friday May 27th I’d begin feeling pain when I went to the bathroom. I toughed it out, not knowing what it was…thinking it would pass as it was only a tingling. I knew something was wrong but, never experiencing it, I did not know what. We were let out of training early that day so I was able to meet my beloved at a 12 Step Meeting. By the end of that meeting he was insisting we go to the E.R. because he stressed it would ruin my weekend and I may miss work Tuesday…since it was Memorial Day Monday. I was glad I listened to him because during the three hour wait for the stinking E.R. attention, the pain I would begin to endure was unlike any other I’d ever had.

I began urinating blood. It felt like I was peeing razor blades. When I saw the blood coming from my urinary tract into the toilet, the fear was unbelievable. I had never in my life had anything even remotely close to this sort of panic overwhelm me. Big surprise I start crying into his chest after that bathroom trip. The pain had become so severe and coupled with now the blood…Tripled by my fear of perverted male doctors and knowing no one was going to look in my area…I saw no way out of this situation with my being okay. Thankfully, the doctor was a friend from a while back, he said I had a kidney infection, gave me some antibiotic, a urinary tract medicine that was supposed to numb the pain and plenty of Vicodin. I figured I could do without the Vicodin since I had this numbing medicine so I threw away the prescription. Wished later I would have kept it but I’m a recovering alcoholic and if I have an alernative solution to pain other than something that might make me *mentally* feel better, I’m going to try that first. I might keep taking it for the mental relief as opposed to the physical if you know what I mean.

During this period of time I would meet with my soon to be ex-husband to make an amicable division of property. He wasn’t being completely unreasonable. Problem is that everyone else around me seemed to think so. He owed me alimony. He owed me this. He owed me that. But my problem is that he wanted the court record to show some things that were not true. He wanted me to sign off on a lie and I wanted him to be honest. Stupidly I went into court without representation and his lies stood up while my truth didn’t. I finally conceded to an attorney after this disaster.

Month later It’s all kind of a blur after this point. I got medical insurance after a month and so made an appointment with a regular doctor for a physical because it felt as if pylonephritis was returning. Must have been at the end of June sometime. She gave me a woman exam, examined my urine and nothing. She took my blood and sent it to labs after finding no mono or anything else. But I was tired and run down and it was beginning to tingle when I tee-teed again. Week or so later I get the notification I have Epstein Barr. It would be due to this notification and clean results otherwise that I would ignore what could have killed me.

My attorney served papers on my husband and he called and called. I didn’t answer because I was still mad over the lies he told his attorney to say in court. A few weeks later I called him. I’d been having bad dreams about his welfare and had been missing my babies so terribly. He tells me with great sorrow that Naji has passed away. He won’t tell me how or why and I know it’s because he wants to spare me. I love him for that. Although I almost begged him to tell me…I could tell he wanted to but was fighting with himself to not.

Naji was mine. I came with her. She and I were a package. She’d never known another Mom. I adopted her when she was a baby from the Humane Society in May 1996. I can’t help but think her heart was broken when she figured out I’d left for good. [I often Sabbatical and she knew that but this time I think she felt my spirit leave too.] I’d asked my ex for a custody arrangement where we could set up visitation or joint but during this time, it was too painful for me to continue the negotiation.

As wrong as this sounds, I’m glad she passed away. My sister phrased it like this: “Yeah. She had to be with you.” I didn’t understand what she meant until she explained she could now be with me. I feel better knowing she is now safe. As kind and caring as my ex is with the babies, they seem to need more than he has the energy to give whereas I seemed to have needed them as much as they needed me. Naji’s passing was closure for me and I think God knew that too.

Another Month Later Around the end of July I’d begin running a higher than usual fever. Then my lower left back would begin to ache. Attributing it to Epstein Barr Virus I paid no attention to it until I started spiking, while at work. My tales about this succession are in the article mentioned in the preface but what’s worthy to note is that it was during this time I would finally quit fighting the divorce others wanted me to fight..

July 2005. A year ago from last July [July 30th, 2004] is when my Mimi would pass away and the 31st is when my husband and I had married. A day later is when her funeral was held. I used to joke that she died because she couldn’t bear to miss it - which she would have had to due to her being in a facility at that point. With the fevers and chills and sickness it occurs to me that spiritually or mentally, I cannot continue on with this divorce in the manner other people would have me do. It’s literally killing me I would reflect. My body is suffering and I’m dying. Cellular memory and re-feeling of extreme anniversaries are famous for me. If I’m feeling off-center for no reason, reflect back in a journal entry and there I’ll see it.

I remember waking up in a chill July 30th or 31st of 2005 with sweat all over me and in soaked bedsheets. I woke up my beloved and I was crying…”Mimi died. Mimi died.” Then the double edged sword thought: “…and the marriage that never should have been.” Shortly after, I’m on the phone with my Mom, my sponsor, and also telling my Beloved that I couldn’t keep fighting. I was going to die. I’d even told my Beloved to let me go - that if he did I’d see him in the next life. I was not kidding and I was not being dramatic. The sickness I had was relentless. If I did not take ibuprofin or tylenol every four hours like clockwork my fever would get to 103 or over sometimes. I had pain when I walked. I could only stay up a couple of hours at the time.

I said to my Mom, “Mom. All I need to hear is that it’s okay for me to quit fighting. It is killing me.” She told me to quit fighting. She said it was not worth my health.

Few days after that [August] is when I’d make two doctor visits with the second one yielding antiobiotics, anti-parasitics, and anti-virals to the best of my research. Again more blood drawn. Another female exam and a shot in my buttocks. White cell count through the roof and no visible means of what the heck was wrong with me. Little bacteria which could have led to PID this different Dr. said. As it turned out all my blood results were clean. Go figure. She was knowledgeable and thorough and so I keep her now. Nevertheless I got better rapidly and in time to enjoy my birthday party, which was August 09th. I returned to work after two weeks or so of being out…and being so grateful to be alive and not sick, a spring in my step until…

I think mid October and fever and pain again. Back to the doctor another urine dip. Call with results one late Saturday night to tell me they called in a drug for me. Turns out I have E. Coli. Mom asked, “How did you get E. Coli?” I said, “Kinky sex.” But I don’t really know. I know that E. Coli can lead to UTI’s and that E. Coli is found in fecal matter as well as your raw hamburgers and, more recently, apparently in the bagged baby greens I was so fond of buying back at that time.

Court hearing around this time to finalize the divorce. Facing him after last seeing him so many months ago, when I’d been used to seeing his face every day for seven years…It made my day when I came home to find a mailed card from him. Yes it was October. It was a Halloween card telling me how he knew I loved Halloween. It was a very loving card and the fact I got it that very day when we would face each other. So that was the end of the divorce I quit fighting.

I gave my job about three more months of my agony. It had become a real hardship. I’d never planned on remaining in that department - thinking that a different department would fix me - and they continued to promise to fix the ways certain things were handled. They didn’t and it wasn’t for me. I kept going though until… February when first I had an anxiety attack and then a couple of days later pinched a nerve in my back. Discovered I had scoliosis as well as now a dose of sciatica. Was almost as if, “Okay. Well let’s see how immobilizing your back works.” [No..not God. The Universe. The whole nature setup. Karma. What you do comes back…What you give out comes back. BACK. B-A-C-K. C-o-m-e B-a-c-k.]

I also used to also flip my boyfriend off behind his back when he was being a grouch. I did it with my left middle finger. I don’t know where I picked it up but I just got into this kick of doing it…I’d done it maybe four times and wondered why my middle finger felt arthritic…but only for a second. Then I realized. Quit doing it and the pseudo-arthritis went away.

Spiritually, the universe offers us our intuitive voice. It’s up to us to heed the voice. Sometimes I can mask mine in denial. [It’s not that bad.] Usually I mask mine with “what others think I ought to do.” I remember one particularly emotionally painful day after I hurt my back, meeting a sponsor. She gave me permission: “You may not be cut out for working on the outside.” She was absolutely right. Every universal sign was pointing at it and I continued because I felt someone needed me to.

Right now, I’m just telling my story. I don’t know what’s next for me. But I know something is.

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