Samsara’s Definitions as they Relate to this Article
- HSP = Highly Sensitive Person or for practical language
- Relationships = The bonds that tie us in or connect us with others
How to Insure a Shaky, Crumbling, or Unhealthy Relationship with an HSP
Lie or withhold pertinent information. Meet them, not with your authentic self, but with your ego, all the time. Tell her/him that her/his feelings/ perceptions/ attitude/ thoughts/ beliefs/ ideals/ ideas/ truth/ values are wrong or “unacceptable.” Make sure you tell them that how they behave is unacceptable. Tell them what to do, who to be. Keep them under a tight leash, holding them to society’s rules of propriety. Absolutely, under no circumstance, are you to allow them to take care of themselves. Tell them they are rude when they have to nap in the middle of the day when your relatives are here. Tell them they are selfish when they need to take alone time. Get mad at them often in their struggle for self. Get mad at them and make sure to tell them so, when their feelings, beliefs, or actions do not align themselves with yours. Make sure to browbeat them into your way of thinking, and often. Play loud music and keep all the lights on all over the place all the time, and to really make sure, run the washer/dryer, and keep all televisions on for total insurance. Rarely divulge yourself. Make sure to let them know who is in charge: Tell them what you will do, with or without their consent, as it pertains to the relationship you both are engaged in.
Follow these instructions fully or partly - to the best of your ability, while simutaneously telling her/him you love her/him - and watch the HSP do one, all, or some of the following: Withdraw, get sick, isolate, shut down, quit talking, quit emoting, feign interest, look blank or vacuous, start drinking heavily [or relapse if in recovery], start using drugs [or relapse if in recovery], starve, overeat particularly sugar, self-harm [cut, mouth bite], and/or leave the relationship finally.
How to Foster a Healthy Relationship with an HSP
Talk to them and bring to the table your self. The HSP has little interest in the mask you present to the world. Just because the HSP won’t comment on it ~ due to his/her experiences in sensitivity ~ does not mean you are not the subject of talk among his/her close friendships. Yes, they talk about your ego-centricism because he/she will surround him/herself with other HSP’s. Ego is a sore spot for them, often having been somewhat ill-treated by the ego’s of others due to their HSP-ness.
Ask if there is anything you can do and mean it. Even if you cannot understand their feelings about something, give to them the understanding that they have the right to feel anything they feel. Show you support them. Honor their need for alone time and quiet. Honor their ability to know what they need. Understand that as high maintenance as the HSP seems sometimes, it’s simply not true. If your HSP is having issue after issue or the same one continues repeating, it’s because there has been no sufficient resolution. It will keep being an issue if the partner interrupts the process by telling the HSP s/he is wrong, by arguing the HSP down, by trying to talk them out of or into something, by berating them, etc. [See above’s How to Insure a Shaky Relationship] In my experience this can often be resolved with one 20 minute session of sitting down, listening to the HSP tell their truth in something, and a sincere attempt for the partner to understand where they are coming from without negating.
Follow these instructions fully or partly - to the best of your ability, while simultaneously telling her/him you love her/him - and watch the HSP do one, all, or some of the following: Flourish in day to day life, become and remain optimistic, smile a lot, laugh, talk a lot, unleash their creative side, trust you, believe people are inherently good, will help you in anything you need help in, will honor and respect you, will brag about your virtues, will want to help others, will get sick less often or hardly, your luck will seem to change for the better almost magically, good feelings will become mainstays, and you’ll, as the partner, wonder how the world was never this beautiful before.
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12 Responses:
April 20th, 2006 at 7:26 am
I just read ” The HSP & Relationships” Mar 15th. 2006. I’m married to an HSP who recently told me he started drinking 30 yrs ago when an old boyfriend of mine dropped in to see us. I had forgotten this (I still don’t remember). He’s been mad at me ever since - all of our married life!!!!! I’ve wanted OUT of the marriage for a long time but my whole life has been invested into our business - that he will destroy and be unable to run if I leave. I need help - I don’t hate him but I’m SO unhappy - I’m exhausted with him! With his withdrawl and anger and verbal abuse. Do you have any articles, info, anything on how to cope with an HSP? There’s enough material for the HSPer, but what about those of us who’s lives are being destoyed by one?
April 20th, 2006 at 5:24 pm
Oh sweet Vivien,
Your life is yours and yours alone. When abuse starts, labels go out the window. Whether he’s HSP or alcoholic [or both], HIS actions are making you unhappy.
Yes, I have suggested readings. The books in the sidebar…”Beyond Codependency” or “Codependent No More” or the “Codependent’s Guide to the Twelve Steps” are all highly suggested by me for you.
Codependent relationships are those ties we have with people who hurt us, harm us, abuse us but, although we hurt, we stay. I think of it as giving the power of myself over to another person and then when they misuse that power and cause me harm, I still allow them to continue to have that power. “Why do they do this to me?” I used to wonder. But now, after codependent issue recovery, I get to ask “Why do I do this to me?”
The books I have suggested; namely the “Guide through the Twelve Steps” will hopefully allow you to take back your power. Remember, you can’t take care of yourself and another person at the same time. In YOUR life, YOU are the most important person…compassion for others can only be cultivated when you have given it to yourself first. I wish you much peace Vivien.
Love, Peace, and Light,
Samsara
April 23rd, 2006 at 8:32 pm
[…] I was recently honored with a message from a woman who is involved with an HSP. [ Characteristics of the Highly Sensitive Person or The HSP & Relationships may prove helpful if you’re a bit confused with this term. ] Essentially she wanted to know “What about us?” And that provoked me into thought. She’s right. What about those people involved with the Highly Sensitive Person? Or the alcoholic/addict for that matter? […]
August 22nd, 2006 at 8:19 pm
Have a strong sense of self esteem, and an ability to see the bigger picture. Love isn’t as fulfilling unless it is given away.
Give yourself time away from your HSP partner, as well. Having quality time with yourself makes you stronger and more grounded.
However, abuse is out of the question. You are doing the abuser (and yourself) a big favor by removing yourself from the relationship — the sooner the better.
May 8th, 2011 at 5:58 pm
My husband is an HSP. I’ve read so many articles about what victims HSP’s are, I’d like to know where are the articles about how chaotic, over reactive, and down right mean they can be when not getting their way. How the world has to change so they can cope. Why is that? This is not just my husband I talking about. Why aren’t HSP’s supposed to manage their own stress. I don’t care if my husband needs time out I’m a big girl and can take care of myself. I don’t need him to hold my hand to carry on with life. I notice before he does that he is getting overwhelmed, if I say anything then all he does is get defensive and say no I’m not and you can bet your bottom dollar that within a few days he’s having another episode of outrageous behavior that is of course my fault even when I’ve done nothing. It’s like he can’t see his own behavior. When we first got together he’s come at me with all this shit about how it’s my entire fault he’s feeling this way and I’d try to defend myself. I’ve learned not to do this(most of the time) and watched him have blowouts without me saying a word just and waking away. It took a while but even he began to see that it was him doing it not me. All I can say is that at least I feel better for not getting caught up in his indefinable demons, what a poor victim he is, everyone is trying to control him. What he hasn’t been able to see is that it is him letting all these other HSP’s and people who have no real significance (I just call them the others because it can be anyone) into his life are causing to be some kind of psychic vampire collecting all their woes as if they are his own. Does he take to time to learn how to close down his energy grid and be concerned or compassionate instead of empathetic and taking it all into himself? NO. It’s easier to be the nice guy so everyone thinks he’s so good and not give a damn about family. Why because he knows that family already know who he really is and how he behaves.
We own a business together and I watch how he collects other HSP’s in droves as his clients, all they do is bring chaos into our clinic. No call No show, being chronically late putting him behind for the next client and so he often feels overwhelmed and tense. Does he stop these people from coming into the clinic…? NO. By the end of the week he’s toast and can’t do the things needed to be done at home. If I say anything about needing help he’s defensive and again the way he’s feeling is entirely my fault, I’m the one who’s expecting to much. When all the while it’s the HSP’s he’s been dealing with all week. If I tell him that a new client is a problem child, he says no they are just nice or sweet, but they screw his every time. My clients are on time and if they are no call no shows, I’m concerned because this is so out of character I know something has happened to them and they do call as soon as the crisis in their lives is over.
I surprised at how often its sited that HSP’s are so intuitive, how can one correctly interpret the information is coming their way if its so overshadowed by their own feelings. I have been intuitive all my life and I have a much better read on what is going on and who is going to be a psychic vampire then any HSP’ I’ve ever met. Why, because I know how to get out of my own way and let the information flow without filtering it through my oversensitive nervous system. Information gathered this way is tainted and gives the person a false reading of the situation.
December 29th, 2011 at 11:57 am
Thanks for another magnificent article. The place else could anyone get that type of info in such a perfect method of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I’m on the search for such information.
