Living Within Samsara

Embracing the Journey
The Metaphysical, Manifesting, Spiritually Growing,
Karma Catching, Highly Sensitive Samsara

16
Aug 2006
It’s All About Me! I am the Most Important Person!
Posted in Recovery, Highly Sensitive, Codependency by samsara at 6:03 pm |

its all about meThis sounds funny, looking at what I have titled this. Sounds so contrary to everything I have been taught and here I am. In public. Out loud. Saying it. I have an online friend who even has her blog entitled “It’s All About Me!” and though it sounds like she’s being cutesy by calling it that, it really is all about her - and, why shouldn’t it be?

I have a pillow. Yep. That’s it. My Mom bought it for me during a really hard time in my life where I was in need of constant nurturing. It says, “It’s All About Me” - and, again I ask, why shouldn’t it be?

I’m the most important person in my life and I say this without regret or ego. It is a fact that if I do not take care of myself to the best of my ability I will fail as a human being. This means I am more important than you to me. If you think this is a selfish idealogue I have absolutely no problem accepting that. But I bet you do.

I bet that if you’re the type who will have a hard time accepting that, you have a lot of regret. I bet you’re feeling resentful and pissed off at me; Probably called me a name or two and a few “How dare she?” ’s thrown in for good measure. Makes yourself feel better to tell yourself I’m self-centered because then you can go on about your business of catering to everyone in your world, making sacrifices after sacrifices to people you know deep in your heart, and all this - killing yourself - is justified. For a greater good and because you love so much, you tell yourself. Or because you have to, you tell yourself. Or even more desperately, “I have no choice. I haven’t the luxury to put myself first.”

Bananas. Yeah I said it: Bananas. If you don’t put yourself first at least once in a while, you’d be dead. Let’s go extreme for this point: How dare you eat? Don’t you know you could be putting someone else’s needs ahead of yours? So you eat to stay alive and as a result, can still put others before you. Okay. So you’re surviving.

Maslow's Hierarchy of NeedsI don’t know about you but my life is going to be more than surviving. My life is going to be my life and this means more than fulfilling the base level of Maslow’s hierarchy. Though I’ve modified the original hierarchy to include the Transcendence level, Self-Actualization used to be the top.

In the flavor of the Boddhisatva, or the crown chakra, or heck, even the 12th step of the 12 Steps where we extend our hand to others, we can’t do that if, for example, we have yet to self-actualize [much less received our oxygen].

This diagram is at it suggests. Every base level sets the foundation for the next level. If I lack appropriate sleep or food, I will not worry about achieving an “A” on a test. If I am not getting enough to breathe, I will not worry whether I have “protection from the elements” tonight. If I fear that in the next hour I am going to be executed, I will probably not worry whether you would want to have lunch were I to survive. And, to self-actualize, to grow in understanding of my self will not be a priority - or even close - if I’ve had no water, or am not safe, feel unsafe, or feel alienated, or worthless.

Maslow’s Self-Actualising characteristics
http://www.futurehi.net/archives/cat_transpersonal_psychology.html

  • keen sense of reality - aware of real situations - objective judgement, rather than subjective
  • see problems in terms of challenges and situations requiring solutions, rather than see problems as personal complaints or excuses
  • need for privacy and comfortable being alone
  • reliant on own experiences and judgement - independent - not reliant on culture and environment to form opinions and views
  • not susceptible to social pressures - non-conformist
  • democratic, fair and non-discriminating - embracing and enjoying all cultures, races and individual styles
  • socially compassionate - possessing humanity
  • accepting others as they are and not trying to change people
  • comfortable with oneself - despite any unconventional tendencies
  • a few close intimate friends rather than many surface relationships
  • sense of humour directed at oneself or the human condition, rather than at the expense of others
  • spontaneous and natural - true to oneself, rather than being how others want
  • excited and interested in everything, even ordinary things
  • creative, inventive and original
  • seek peak experiences that leave a lasting impression 

 

I have friends and people in my life who stop going up to the next level - getting stuck on the Social Need level, somehow thinking if they can just give of themselves enough, the social acceptance will be so great they could finally get to their own self-esteem through that channel. That was never how it happened with me. How it happened with me is that the more I did for others, the more I people-pleased, sacrificed self, overlooked myself, disregarded myself, the further away I moved into the realm of complete dependence on other people and situations rather than moving UP to my own self-initiated independence/self-esteem. To make matters worse, I would often even go back down levels in regression!

No wonder I was angry and resentful at having no sleep after I [at my own expense] volunteered to stay awake in order to wake a friend up to go to work. No wonder, in trying to make my grandmother happy by eating every meal she cooked for me, I began refusing food! No wonder that when I am feeling unsafe I seem to stay home more and lose interest in my friendships. No wonder. No wonder. No wonder.

And the more I did, the less satisfied I became. I wonder why? I was doing all this stuff for everyone else and having nothing left for me. It’s not that no one necessarily didn’t appreciate me or what I was doing, but that I had extended myself to such a degree that I?no longer had a self in order to accept their appreciation. By the time it reaches that particular level, no amount of anyone else or any situational gratitude could help me.

I’m feeling unsafe to take it easy. Unsafe to say No. Unsafe to be who I need to be. I have lost my center and I’m out of there. I’m operating from straight survivor mode because society has still deemed it okay we eat and sleep but that at the same time that if we put ourselves first we’re selfish.

I am the most important person. And it is all about me. This means if I want to help you, extend myself to you, or be of service to you, I have to put me first. This also means I don’t have to help you if I don’t want to and the reason is none of your business - not to sound unkind - but you do not have a “right” to me, my thoughts or my feelings. I owe no one an explanation and those people who would require one, would want one in order to judge it to either talk me out of it, make me wrong on it, guilt me with it, or try to rationalize it away from me. If I trust to, I may tell you. If I don’t I won’t. You do have a “right” to yours and I may suggest that if you’re feeling “off” you examine them. If I lose me, I am useless to you; I am useless to me.

You cannot fill up my bucket, no matter how hard you try. You are a person - like me - and you are fallible and human too. If you bend over backwards and contort and hurt yourself for my benefit I may or may not notice but you will almost surely get resentful. Your resentment wil not hurt me. I promise. But it will hurt you. It will permeate everything you touch and you will stunt yourself.

“You are the most important person.”

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Thanks for Living Within Samsara Article


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    7 Responses:

    Mon said:

    Amen! It’s hard having been codependant myself, to put myself before others. It’s not to say that I don’t ever forgoe my own needs for those of others, but primarily I’m most important. I’ve learned that through self love, I’m able to love others better as well. I can say that people pleasers tend to not be happy on the inside. I was always wondering why people don’t do for me the way I do for them. That was definatly not a good time in my life. I am happy to say that now that I do for myself and put me first, I don’t expect anything in return when I do for others. Because I know, I’ll be taking care of myself. If someone else does too, it’s a bonus!


    Rivurgurl said:

    Thanks you are such a wonderful resource and an inspiration!


    samsara said:

    I love you girls! Thanks for being so gracious and Mon…you just keep rocking on sister friend!


    samsara said:

    Mon - I wanted say something else mainly for myself. So I could see it in black and white.

    As selfish as it sounds to put ourselves first [or to say it out loud that we put ourselves first], you are EXACTLY on target and you phrased it nicely:

    “I am happy to say that now that I do for myself and put me first, I don’t expect anything in return when I do for others. Because I know, I’ll be taking care of myself. If someone else does too, it’s a bonus! ”

    So if you’ll forgive my paraphrase. :-)

    If we go around putting others first and expecting them to fill our buckets and they don’t, then where are we? Last or close to it? But when we put ourselves first by taking care of those wants and needs we had previously expected others to take care of, then guess what? We’re much better suited, then, to offer of ourselves withOUT expectation or hope of anything in return.

    When this happens, I am not only NOT miserable, but I no longer will have premeditated resentments…I’ll be glad to do for others…AND because I have more of a self to create with, I can be even of MAXIMUM service to others.

    People pleasers are good for a few episodes of perceived goodness. After that I envision them pouting in their house and getting more and more fuel to anger themselves with. Even worse, I imagine them then kicking the kids, treating the spouse badly and spreading their non-realized expectations to others by way of anger. In another week they do more for other people trying to overcome last week and then guess what? It starts again.

    They wonder what’s wrong. They begin to hate God and wonder why nothing is ever good enough? I know about this.

    When I put myself first I am showing God I will take care of the gift I have…the gift of my life that God has blessed me with. THEN, can I offer my hand to those in need. When I am grateful of the life that God has blessed me with and actively show it for example by #!) Taking a nap when I need to #2) Getting quiet when I need to #3) Saying No when I need to and Yes when I need to then not only can I be an example of those around me, but I’ll have a positive and authentic message for others.

    I’ll be bringing an authentic me to the relationship…to the world.

    I believe that as long as I put others before myself, not only does God not have room to work in their life [ie, they begin to place dependence upon me or others], but that I am telling God that the gift God gave me is not worth taking care of.


    lovely said:

    ahhh…always has to be negativity.
    I personally liked what she has to say. I can relate to it. She is not saying she is better than anyone else but putting herself first in certain situations instead of being a people pleaser.


    Sam said:

    I had become Mr nice guy due to circumstances and forgetting the real me, now I’m awaking and getting back to who I always was…a self lover and self pleaser, no harm in that.


    samsara said:

    Wow. Sorry about the interruption there.

    @Lovely - You’re right. There always seems to be a person who wants to turn white to black or black to white. Thank you for sharing and understanding. :)

    @Sam - I get that. Walking on eggshells or being a ‘people pleaser’ is usually when I am trying to keep peace for my sanity. It’s often not conscious and it hurts to do what is healthy and right for me when I am paralyzed by the “What will they do if I do so and so?”

    I like to give credit to my friends and relationships in that they don’t *need* me to care-take them or anticipate their needs. And if they need help and they ask and if it’s honest for me, I oblige. And I do the same.

    However, if I am friends with a people-pleaser or codependent, I am very strong in insisting their freedom to say No. I don’t do this to *care-take* them but because I do see a live struggle with them, I want them to be sure I am not trying to add to that struggle.


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